CNN Tones Down Headlines – Readers Terrified

In a bizarre change of strategy, CNN has decided to start telling the truth in it’s headlines, rather than seducing readers with crazy statements.

“We got some complaints,” says Gina Staghorn, a spokesperson for CNN. “Apparently, a small group of extremists don’t want headlines like, ‘Is The World About To End?’ and then discovering it’s a story about a hypothetical meteorite that one of our producers made up. I mean, I don’t get it – we’re here to approach the news from all sides, including our producer’s.”

CNN said it will also no longer be attaching horns to Donald Trump’s head, in an attempt to appear more balanced.

“But we’re still going to have Anderson Cooper asking patronising questions, and then looking at him like he’s an idiot,” says Staghorn. “Anderson’s amazing.”

This change of tack will come as a shock to some readers of, who are used to their daily dose of extraordinary headlines, and some are less than impressed with the new, toned down site.

“I don’t understand this at all,” says John Limberg of South Dakota. “I clicked on this story about a woman being trapped in a house, and it was full of relevant information without irrelevant commentary by the journalist. How am I supposed to know what to think if CNN doesn’t tell me?”

Staghorn said the news network will consider a separate section on it’s site filled with pointless commentary to ensure readers know how to talk about various stories way that make them sound both informed and clever.

“In the end, we don’t want our viewers to be forced into forming opinions,” she said reassuringly. “Maybe we’ll have a link, explaining what things mean, and who to hate and why things aren’t their fault.”


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