The First 12 Months Of President Trump

Month 1

Trump is inaugurated and immediately asks all Muslims and Mexicans in the audience to leave. An aid whispers into his ear, Donald smiles and turns back to the crowd. ‘Just kidding,’ he says, using air quotes. The aid whispers again. ‘Oh, I see,’ says Trump, turning again to the crowd. ‘Just kidding, nothing to worry about.’ This time no air quotes.

The construction of a wall to separate Mexico and the U.S. begins. In a masterful move, Trump hires Mexican illegal immigrants to build the wall because, ‘They’re cheaper and I’m a very successful businessman and a successful President.’ But they’re also told they can’t step across the border, so workers have to lean into the U.S. to pick up their tools if they drop them, or yell to an American to pass them back, like a kid getting a football back from a neighbour.

Month 2

Borders are closed to all Muslims. Cunning and devious Muslims still sneak across the border by way of a clever work-around. When customs officers ask if they’re Muslim, they say, ‘no.’ President Trump fixes this by banning all ‘Muslimmy looking people,’ from entering America. Anyone with brown skin, is no longer admitted. Tanning salons shut down nationwide and all outdoor sports are cancelled indefinitely. Black people become even more confused about where they fit into America, but President Trump fixes this by creating a ‘Hierarchy of Humans.’ Whites on top, the paler the better, blacks in the middle and anyone else at the bottom. When asked at a news conference what the purpose of the hierarchy is, Trump says, ‘You’ll see.’ Then rubs his hands together and laughs.

Month 3

President Trump addresses the nation and explains how successful he is and how everyone loves him. Unbiased polling service TrumpPoll now gives him a 116% approval rating. He announces that his plan to bomb ISIS has begun and that the U.S. has already dropped 57 tonnes of high explosives on ‘The Middle East.’ When asked where the bombs were dropped specifically Trump rolls his eyes. ‘What did I just say?’ The reporter withdraws his question, retakes his seat and dies of natural causes.

Month 4

Trump acknowledges he should have consulted a map before ordering bombings and pledges a zillion dollars of relief funds to Egypt and Israel. He explains that he knows millions of Egyptians and Jews and that nobody is angry and him and he did the right thing and it’s not his fault.

Trump ends all unemployment by designating anyone who doesn’t have a job an ‘unpaid worker,’ and assigning them to various major infrastructure projects, including the expansion of the White House and the Trump Wall of Wisdom on the Mexican border.

Month 5

Trump announces the completion of the Trump Wall of Wisdom and unveils a 200ft high statue of himself, glaring into Mexico from the other side of the wall. ‘That should keep those rapists out,’ he says shooting finger pistols into the crowd. He reassigns the unpaid workers from the wall to the farms of his daughter’s new venture ‘Trump Cotton,’ which promises to deliver high quality cotton at cheap prices. A TrumpPoll of unpaid workers says they are 432% happy with this.

Month 6

Unpaid worker designation is applied to those on minimum wage to spare them the confusion of having to buy food and find a place to live. Infrastructure projects continue at a remarkable pace and the new Trump White House is complete and features an airport, a 5 star restaurant and an olympic sized swimming pool. It also houses 350 unpaid workers, who nation wide are now required to wear ‘worker attire,’ designed and manufactured by Trump Cotton (TCN) now one of the largest blue chip stocks.

Month 7

Trump ‘streamlines federal government,’ by abolishing the house and senate and giving more power to State Governors. When asked where he got this idea he explains that he saw it on Star Wars.

Month 8

With citizens leaving America in droves, Lord Trump, as he is now known, closes all borders and extends unpaid worker status to, ‘Anyone who looks at me funny, does something wrong or thinks about breaking any law even ones I haven’t thought of yet.’ he then privatises the police and media in a move described as ‘Masterful,’ by the newly formed Trump Round Table, a group of 12 knights that only Lord Trump can see.

Month 9

With reports of unrest in several states and opposition movements gaining momentum, High Lord Trump Of All The Americas creates an elite unit of police officers to root out and ‘reeducate’ anyone who shows treasonous tendencies. Murder and robbery rates shrink to zero as Trump says that only the richest 2% of the population is allowed to own anything and that killing a member of the 98% is not a crime. TrumpPoll says Trump is Christ returned to earth.

Month 10

World leaders meet in Geneva for the G20 talks, but Trump chooses not to join, hosting his own G1 at Trump Estates, formally Camp David. All ‘non-rich’ people who are too lazy to be successful are now designated non worker status and as a result, the Pyramids of Trump in Nevada are completed ahead of schedule. A picture of King Trump must adorn ‘Every wall in the land or death shall be upon you.’

Month 11

Gladiatorial contests are reintroduced in unused sporting arenas around the country and the flag is changed to a big T to reflect the views of all the people in the country — the term ‘person’ now only assigned to the richest 2%.

Month 12

Trump addresses the nation, which he has renamed ‘Trumpopia.’ He explains that all who work hard will be rewarded and could one day find themselves walking among the 2%, who are now known as ‘The Whitest Of The White.’ TrumpPoll says all are thrilled with the prospect and bow down to His Trumpness in awe of his brilliance.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s