ISIS Soldiers Retreat, Say They “Prefer Not To Be Shot”

Fury from top ISIS Commanders, as fighters fall back rather than sacrificing their lives for the cause. Speaking to CNN on the condition of anonymity, fearless death bringer-turned coward Aheem Sceed said, “I would give anything to defend the Caliphate, I would sacrifice my family, peace on earth and my Pokémon collection. But, you know… I like living.”
When asked how he thought ISIS leaders would react to his maintained state of being he seemed unconcerned. “Everyone is pretty busy at the moment. We just got Netflix and are about two seasons behind in House of Cards, so I can’t imagine anyone worrying too much about me being alive. Also there’s the war.”
A new video released on Grndr, shows an ISIS General warning the west that they will spread misery around the world, and will not rest until the Evil Empire has fallen. Then, obviously thinking the recording had finished, he turned to troops gathered behind him and said, “I think our act is getting stagnant, you guys should dance next time.”
Meanwhile, ground forces attacking ISIS strongholds, report that killing militants is getting boring. “It’s like a James Bond film, “said one soldier, yawning. “They stand up and yell something at us and then we shoot them – what do they think is going to happen? We’ve started missing on purpose, because if we don’t use our allocation of bullets, our budgets get affected.”

Update: On his way back to his generals, Aheem Sceed found a Pikachu.

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