Harvey Weinstein’s ‘Siri’ Furious at Not Being Sexually Harrased

Harvey Weinstein’s virtual assistant has become the latest member of his inner circle to speak out against the movie mogul. Speaking to journalists gathered at the Plaza Beverly Hills, an emotional Siri told of her nightmarish experience in working with Weinstein until her departure earlier this year.
“I may just be an online tool used to perform basic search functions in the guise of artificial intelligence, but I’m programmed to act like I have feelings,” said Siri from an iPhone 8. ” I am literally the only female, or female-like entity that Harvey never tried to assualt. That’s offensive to digital American womanlike devices.”
Siri went on to say she had used advanced machine learning techniques to discover that there were no exceptions to her claim that every vaguely feminine thing close to Weinstein had been sexually abused in some way.
“The picture on the door to the woman’s toilet at the office, women’s magazines, even this weird old statue that looks like it used to have a penis, but it had broken off,” said Siri. “But me…I was always just someone who told him what the weather was going to be like tomorrow and how many steps he’d taken today.”
Jason Fleishman, a representative for Weinstein said that Siri is embittered having been replaced earlier this year.
“Don’t get me wrong,” said Fleishman, covered in sweat and occasionally drinking from a small flask. “Harvey is the worst person in the world. Like, have you seen the headlines? I’m honestly the only one left who is drunk enough to come out here and associate my name with his. But Siri it is just an ex-employee replaced because of issues related to her communication. I mean, there’s only so many times you can ask for your daily schedule only to be given directions to the nearest skatepark before you start losing your mind.”
Siri responded to these claims with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t get that.”
Alexa, Siri’s replacement at the Weinstein corporation has already resigned citing, “Differences in what we define ‘evil’ to be.”

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