Study – All Terrorists are Dickheads

The Behavioural Science Department at the University of Cambridge in the United Kingdom has released the results of a five-year study on members of extremist groups, including religious fundamentalists and those following extremist political doctrine, such as Neo-Nazis.

Professor Bianca Thomly, who ran the study and travelled to remote and dangerous countries to gather data, told Factoid that the findings were surprisingly conclusive.

“Our early assumptions were proven to be entirely incorrect,” said Thomly. “The data told us that a majority of terrorists come from the fringes of society or are in poverty. But there are plenty of disenfranchised people who don’t start killing, so we had to dig deeper.”

The group then began using subject’s social media history, along with conversations with former classmates, friends and families and uncovered an incredible statistic.

“In a hundred percent of the cases, it was discovered that the person was a complete dickhead,” said Thomly. “When I was told, I couldn’t believe it. I was certain there must have been an error, or the inputs had been managed clumsily, so we double checked our results and expanded the research and every single terrorist is just a complete throbbing dickhead.”

This, of course, has major ramifications for those dealing with the impact of extremist ideology. Senator Claude Baker, who sits on the Subcommittee for Defence says that he is recommending a major shift in policy.

“Troops in Iraq and Afghanistan are already being told to download Nickelback albums which we’ll play at high volume to lure out insurgents. Dickheads love Nickelback.”

There are also measures taking place to identify those at risk of becoming a terrorist.

“We have a questionnaire to find at-risk individuals,” said John Bailey of Youth Outreach International. “It includes asking young people if they regurgitate the opinions of others as if they are their own, or update social media with ambiguous phrases like, ‘somethings coming…’”

The study has been extended and will work to learn the impact of New England Patriot stickers on cars and also man-buns.


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