California Governor – “World Needs to Calm Down”

California Governor, Jerry Brown, has offered what many have called “overly-simplistic solutions to the world’s problems” at a press conference held earlier today to review the impact of legal marijuana in the state.

Sporting a Hawaiian shirt rather than his traditional suit and tie, Brown seemed flustered when asked if there was a danger that the black market for weed would increase as a result of legislative measures.

“Man,” said Brown after staring at a button on his shirt for three minutes, “That’s like, just sad talk…you know?” Then, speaking directly to regional television correspondent Paul Turner said, “You don’t look happy. The flowers look happy and the sky looks happy and if you listen really closely you can hear the bees singing…”

A monologue followed that continued for around fifteen minutes before Brown decided it was time to solve every problem in the world.

“We all just need to calm down. All this terrorism stuff and I heard about this guy who was really mad about something and wanted to…be mad…we can all solve everything together if we just…”

Brown then slumped into a cross-legged position and began to weep. “It’s just also beautiful, you know?”

Behind him, senior staff began singing. But unfortunately, each of them sang a different song so it just sounded like a constant murmur.

Questions regarding economic policy as it relates to unemployment were postponed,

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