Mexico Responds To Trump’s Hardline

Mexican President, Enrique Peña Nieto, has responded to Donald Trump's reassertion that the Mexico will be responsible for payment of a new border wall by presenting a counteroffer. "Donald Trump looks at the Mexican people as all racists do; by using narrow-minded stereotypes," he said, adjusting his sombrero and taking a sip of tequila. "But … Continue reading Mexico Responds To Trump’s Hardline

Australia In For 932nd Straight Hot Summer

Australians were shocked today to learn that the Bureau of Meteorology is forecasting hot weather for summer. A spokesperson for the bureau, Tom Reid, said that they hoped by issuing this warning the country would have time to prepare. "Most experts thought that with 931 straight years of hot summers, we would be in for … Continue reading Australia In For 932nd Straight Hot Summer

Clinton Admits, “I Made Mistakes With Email”

Hillary Clinton has conceded she was reckless with regards to her use of email. "I join one of those daily deal sites," she told a Select Committee hearing. "I just wanted a cheap manicure, but then I started getting emails every day." A visibly emotional Clinton struggled to maintain her composure as she spoke of … Continue reading Clinton Admits, “I Made Mistakes With Email”

Trump To Stop Speaking To Reduce Misquotes

Donald Trump has announced he is tired of being misquoted in the media, and will no longer speak out loud. Instead, he will stare at people and they can imagine what he's saying and clap loudly. At what will be presumably his last press conference that needs a microphone, Trump said, "I am sick, and … Continue reading Trump To Stop Speaking To Reduce Misquotes

ISIS Soldiers Retreat, Say They “Prefer Not To Be Shot”

Fury from top ISIS Commanders, as fighters fall back rather than sacrificing their lives for the cause. Speaking to CNN on the condition of anonymity, fearless death bringer-turned coward Aheem Sceed said, "I would give anything to defend the Caliphate, I would sacrifice my family, peace on earth and my Pokémon collection. But, you know… … Continue reading ISIS Soldiers Retreat, Say They “Prefer Not To Be Shot”

PM Grumpy-Pants, Treasurer Sent To Timeout

Malcolm Turnbull, has responded to news of his plunging popularity, with the maturity and pragmatism expected of a world leader. "I don't care," said Turnbull to a group of reporters, as he prepared to be sworn in as Australia's 45th Prime Minister. "Polls are silly, and you guys are all stupid heads." He then covered … Continue reading PM Grumpy-Pants, Treasurer Sent To Timeout

Pauline Hanson Revises Policy – Asians Good, Muslims Bad

Speaking for the first time to Senate colleagues, Senator Pauline Hanson has issued a public apology for her previous attacks on Asian Australians. "I want to apologise to the Asian community for claiming they were coming into our country, taking our jobs, buying our properties and stealing all the white women," said Hanson, shooting a … Continue reading Pauline Hanson Revises Policy – Asians Good, Muslims Bad